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Listening to Bodies
Long-Distance:
The Power and
Possibility of Telephone Coaching
by Suzanne
Zeman
It was
Thursday afternoon on a beautiful sunny day in the San Francisco Bay Area. My
office phone rang and I heard the voice of John, a client in New York. He was calling from his house in
Westchester to ask for help after a tough day at work. He had just started
a new position as vice president and general manager of an Internet business,
and there were people he was not getting along with. I could sense how
anxious he was, so I asked if he was willing to do something different than
we normally did.
In my
years of study in somatics and my experience as an executive coach, I've
seen the power of working with a person's whole being. This means I work
with a person's physiology, background, mood, emotions, conversations, and
spirit to enable them to take new actions. In these early sessions with
John, I started experimenting with how I might bring somatic awareness to
clients without their being physically present. I have found that this is
not only possible, but it is also powerful for them.
On
that day I asked John to describe his surroundings and what he was looking
at in that moment so he could begin to locate himself in present time. He
said he could see the trees blowing in the wind outside the windows of his
study at home. We both stood up in our different locations and I asked him
to practice centering himself, connecting to the ground by feeling his feet
on the floor and then opening to the sensations in his body.
S: Let's scan through
your body to see if you're holding tension anywhere, and see what we can do
with that. Bring your awareness to the top of your head, then feel your
skull, forehead, and the area around your eyes. What do you notice?
J: I feel pressure on
the sides, around my temples, and my eyes feel a bit squeezed and hot.
S: Tell me more about
those sensations. Is there a color or temperature there?
J: There's a darkness
that's beginning to get lighter, and now it feels a bit cooler around my
eyes. They feel softer.
S: Any thoughts?
J: I'm remembering a
tough conversation I had with one of my colleagues today, the CFO [chief
financial officer]. He said he was annoyed that I wasn't giving him the
financials that he asked to get regular reports on. He was sharp and had an
attitude that made me want to tell him where to go. If he could have waited
for me to explain, I would have let him know I've been restructuring the
reports so it would be easier for him to get to the numbers he wants.
S: Can you relax some
of the tension around your temples and eyes? Try taking a full breath, and
as you exhale, let some of that go.
J: Much better.
We continued,
with me guiding his awareness through the rest of his face, neck, and
shoulders, until we got to his torso. It was interesting to me that he had
very little sensation in the front of his torso but felt lots of energy
coming into his back. He said the energy felt strong, like a
"torrent," but he stopped feeling anything when I asked him to
bring his awareness from the back, through his torso to the front of his
body. I asked him what he thought about that, and he said it was kind of weird,
but he didn't know what to make of it.
My
sense was there was a connection between the lack of feeling in the front
of his torso and his communication challenges. I asked if he would be
willing to try an experiment with me for the next couple of months. I would
focus on helping him not only with the CFO, but also with the identity he
wanted to establish in his new company. He agreed to have weekly calls with
me and to do the practices that I asked him to do daily. First, we started
working with his breathing.
S: Where do you feel
your breath, John?
J: Kind of in the
middle of my chest.
S: What about when you
take a deep, full breath?
J: Well, it goes up
higher.
S: Can you feel the
shape of your lungs¾like
big pears¾full
at the bottom? Try breathing with your hand on your belly and move your
hand with your breath.
J: Hey, I can feel that
now!
I asked him to practice taking full breaths,
moving his hand with his breath for five minutes or more each day, and note
what he was feeling. At the end of the session, he said he felt refreshed
and energized.
During
the next session, he reported that he could relax more easily using the
breathing practice. His voice was becoming more relaxed as well. He did
this practice prior to his staff meetings and discovered that it was easier
to be with his employees. He was much less anxious and better able to
listen to them.
We
increased his breathing practice until his breaths became fuller and he
could feel himself breathing throughout his torso. When I asked him to move
his awareness out to his skin from the inside, he was able to do that as
well, and he felt the energy under his hand. He also noticed that his voice
was softening and becoming more resonant. He committed to practicing
breathing, relaxing, and moving his energy when he noticed any anxiety in
himself or someone he was speaking with.
John
told me he was much more at ease at work after doing these practices for a
few weeks. He also said he wanted to become a better listener, and that he
wanted people to know him in a way that was closer to the person he saw
himself to be ¾
mindful, caring, and dedicated to the success of the business. I decided to
work with him on bringing his awareness to his body and extending his
energy forward to be better able to connect with people.
We
began the next session with breathing, centering, and connecting with each
other, I in my office, he in his. I guided him in the next steps, not sure
how we could do this over the phone.
S: John, now that you
can feel your breath throughout your torso, let's see how far you can
extend your awareness out in front of you.
J: I don't have any
idea of how to do that.
S: Okay. Try putting
your hand on your belly and breathe into your hand. Good. Now what are you sensing
at the interface between your breath and the container of your body?
J: Well, I feel some
sensation and warmth. It's almost tingly just under my hand.
S: Imagine that the
tingling sensation is brought about by lots and lots of tiny bubbles.
J: Like champagne!
S: Let those bubbles
move out from the front of you and follow how far they go with your
awareness.
J: I have a sense of
bubbling about a foot out in front of me.
Energy
Follows Awareness
We
worked this way for the next few minutes until he had a clear sense of
energy moving forward from his midsection. Using the principle that energy
follows awareness, I tried an analogy (champagne bubbles) that he could
understand to bring his awareness to the edge of his physical form and
beyond. I noticed I could feel a shift in my own body when he was able to
begin extending, producing an increased connection between us.
John's
practice of extending out produced some interesting changes in how people
paid attention to him. He told me that in the following week his colleagues
and staff seemed to be listening more and taking what he said more
seriously.
In our
next session, I guided his awareness to extend his energy out from the
middle of his torso, around his back, and out horizontally, until he had a
sense of a sphere of energy all around him. We practiced contracting and
extending the sphere until he had some control and could sense extension
and contraction with his awareness.
The
next step was to practice connecting with other people by extending his
energy to the center of someone he was talking with. After several more
sessions of practice with me and then on his own, he could tell when he was
connecting and when he wasn't. And he got immediate feedback from his staff
and colleagues with the level of communication that was either happening or
not. He said that when he stopped to connect before listening or speaking
the other person stayed right with him. Their communication was easier and
more effective. When he didn't connect and wasn't conscious of extending
his energy field to the other person and blending with him or her-when he
was thinking about something else, for example- misunderstandings and
negative emotions easily resulted.
I
coached John for fifteen months as part of a program that teaches the
discipline of management and leadership using somatic and linguistic
practices. Biweekly coaching customizes the program, so participants bring
their learning and practices into their work and lives, learning within
their daily concerns and challenges.
When we started, John was resigned and blamed his bosses for not giving
him direction or providing advancement. Once we worked somatically in our
coaching sessions, John's progress accelerated, and he has been able to
maintain his self-confidence and ambition.
The
Essence of Communication: Connection
I've
learned through my experience of more than twenty years in sales,
management, consulting, and coaching that the essence of communication is
connection. The more deeply I connect with someone, the better I'm able to
hear their most fundamental concerns, their most precious commitments, what
they care about, where their pain is, and what inspires them.
When
working with people long-distance, I don't have visual cues to assess their
shape and determine where they may be holding back or are constrained.
Instead I look for other ways to help them open to increasing awareness,
energy, and capacity to take new actions. I open myself to connecting
through my senses. I feel their breath, hear their voices, listen to their
stories, moods, and emotions, and connect with what they care about. This
allows me to determine whether they are acting consistently with their
concerns and designing their life in a way that is satisfying. I listen for
openings to suggest new possibilities, looking for where to move with them
by asking questions. In this way, listening deeply can actually be enhanced
via telephone, since I don't have the visual input that might be
distracting in some situations. I listen with my whole being. And then I
ask questions to ensure my listening resonates with theirs.
A
coach who has somatic sensibility, whether a manager or someone from
outside a team, can listen deeply with their entire being. They can
question, reveal, and take action to remove the hindrances to alignment
among team members. This is possible over the telephone, without the
traditional visual and sensual cues that we use when meeting face-to-face.
The key is a strong connection between the manager/coach and team members.
Then people's moods, concerns, emotions, and passions can be revealed, heard,
and resolved for the future success of a project, product, or plan.
Listening
and communicating with depth and connection is essential for leaders and
people who want to make a difference. And when there's little or no
connection, misunderstandings and suffering can easily occur.
Technology: Help or Hindrance
Today's technology-including cell phones, email,
and chat rooms-produces more information flow but less connection.
Technology allows for quicker literal connection (we immediately find the other
person or instantaneously get the memo to them), but its very speed can
hinder the authentic connection of really being there with the concerns of
the other. This challenge is evident in the literature on communication in
virtual teams. A study done in 1997 reported that eighty percent of
companies were working in virtual teams, with people in different
locations, different time zones, and different cultures working together
via technology to accomplish a mutual goal or project. By now that
percentage is higher. What we're seeing is that technology both opens
possibilities for communication and coordination and also hinders effective
communication and coordination. Using technology saves the time and cost of
travel to bring team members to the same location, savings that go directly
to the bottom line of a business. Files, reports, memos, and meeting notes
can be shared on the web so that all team members are fully informed about
what other team members are doing. However, the use of technology produces more
potential for miscommunication, misunderstanding, and lack of coordination
when team members naturally interpret the documents, notes, and even
intentions differently based on their own listening, background, and
automatic interpretations. A team leader conducting a meeting over the
telephone must pay attention to individual and group moods, energy,
emotions, and concerns, both spoken and unspoken. If these are not taken
into account, there is a high probability of misunderstanding, causing
project delays and breakdowns that can easily offset the anticipated cost
savings of working virtually.
Conclusions
and the Future
Connection
with others is either happening or it's not. When we're connected we
enhance our ability to produce the results we intend. And when we're not
connected, we plant the seeds for misunderstandings and breakdowns. As a
coach, I produce connection and a safe environment for the people I work
with. They can then open themselves to new possibilities to produce their
desired results. The connection can actually be enhanced by working over
the telephone, when I create a sanctuary by listening deeply with no
distraction to hear emotion, pain, passion, inspiration, and joy that wants
to be expressed.
By the
way, another interesting change happened for John. As he practiced
extending his awareness and energy further, he thought about ways to build
his identity with his colleagues, both in his company and in the broader
marketplace. He initiated brown bag lunch meetings in his office, during
which he and his staff talked to people in other departments about the work
they were doing, so there was a broader understanding of their roles. In
addition, he called several trade organizations in his industry and offered
to speak at conferences and be part of panel discussions. Within a few
months he had lined up three speaking engagements. His self-confidence
improved and his mood became much more positive as he continued generating
new possibilities for his success at work and developing his identity and
career.
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